A+ A A-

This little piggy...

This little piggy...

This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
This little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
And this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home. 
 
So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off... Here we are, this is for real: the World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is. 

Even the corridors of power have been affected by this nuisance : according to the Guardian 'The first case of swine flu has struck Downing Street and it nearly caused a diplomatic crisis. Gordon Brown's senior climate change adviser Michael Jacobs was banned from attending the G8 summit in Italy for fear he would pass the contagious disease to Barack Obama and other world leaders' (no mention of Berlusconi). As if that wasn't enough even three people have been sent home from Glastonbury festival after being diagnosed with swine flu as oposed to none tripping out of their heads....! it's a crisis indeed...

The media attention has not gone unnoticed by other government officials as according to UPI,  a Labour MP (Sion Simon, Labour Party member of Parliament for Birmingham Erdington and the country's minister for further education, no less)  joked on Twitter that the swine flu outbreak was tied to Susan Boyle's performance on Britain's Got Talent. "I'm not saying Susan Boyle caused swine flu. I'm just saying that nobody had swine flu, she sang on TV, people got swine flu," Simon wrote in his posting. What he really meant (a suggestion) is that Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it. Still...funny how a few people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.
 
 
With so much media attention for a little piggy, one wonders how many unpopular policies are being passed and unscreened by the news...

What this all means is that, apparently our much loved West London Bubble may well be burst by some flying piglet  (not from space but coming from South of the river of course– remember the album cover?) as  "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England" – being married will not avoid it although may offer some consolation. The fact is noone wants a little piglet to cough/sneeze over the party cake throwing all the icing into dusted oblivion and then excusing himself with 'The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough...'

Symptoms  are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue (I always knew there was something odd about a bloke I frantically try to avoid in one of our local drinking joints). Ways to deal with it are to close yourself indoors and feel 'miserable, a bit  boring, and  watching TV all day',  says a sufferer on BBC news...it seems that the future is here.

The four councils that make up this area have published something on-line: Kensington & ChelseaWestminsterBrent and Hammersmith & Fulham (yeah, that's right, there's an outpost of Chelsea in Kensal Green area – the very fancily  named College Park).

Now the government is throwing the weight of its resources into a web site to alleviate GP services across the land. The site promptly crashed as it was being announced but with a bit of luck you might just get it working when you need it in the middle of the night when your balls are unusually sweaty or when you discover your fancy Saturday night party knickers being shared with some flying (little) swine snot. 

So the the number to call is 0800 1513100, but due to high demand you may well just come across some cracking noises... if so try the web address www.pandemicflu.direct.gov.uk 

Meantime watch out for the following: 
 
• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour:  doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper:  things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating:  Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills;  Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight:  Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call an ambulance, and go to the hospital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.
 Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment. 

While you wait, grab a half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?

Cheers! Be healthy! 

Next year: the Sheep flu (two for one)

Watch this space!!

Sent by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.

If you have been infected, get in touch through the comments below to let us know how you dealt with it and if it's as boring as reported by the BBC.

More News

Prev Next

Hits:4480

Two meetings, one voice

Two meeting…

You had to be there. North and south of the boro...

Read more

Hits:16714

New Site

New Site

We're back ;)   Read more: New Site...

Read more

Hits:5155

Corbyn Won Kensington Nomination

Corbyn Won …

On July 21st Jeremy Corbyn overwhelmingly won th...

Read more

Hits:5942

Hats-off to Micky P: Portobello Live 3rd/4th May

Hats-off to…

Reflecting on the Portobello Live Festival - by ...

Read more

Hits:7634

Portobello community stands up against plans to turn iconic area into bland shopping centre

Portobello

Hundreds of protestors, including children and p...

Read more

Hits:6668

Leon Löwentraut at the The Muse Gallery

Leon Löwent…

Never too early to become a full fledged artist ...

Read more

More News 2

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
Prev Next

Hits:7227

Greferendum: an anthology

Greferendum…

Thinking of Greece. ...

Read more

Hits:5401

Pink Cigar video release

Pink Cigar …

 Local down’n’dirty rock’n’roll outfit Pink Ciga...

Read more

Hits:7507

Gaz’s Rockin Blues 35th Anniversary Spectacular

Gaz’s Rocki…

Gaz’s Rockin Blues 35th Anniversary Spectacular ...

Read more

Hits:5667

Interactive Video Art at The Dissenters Gallery Catacombs

Interactive…

On Saturday 4 July, 11-5pm, a chance to see the ...

Read more

Hits:5264

"Exposed" a Solo Show by Louis-Nicholas Darbon

"Expos…

 Coming up Thursday- June 4th -  at the Graffik ...

Read more

Hits:5624

Mock The Opera Protest @ Holland Park

Mock The Op…

A protest is taking place tomorrow at the Hollan...

Read more

Hits:7374

Where next for Labour?

Where next …

 Labour’s defeat in the UK general election on M...

Read more

Hits:5102

Artists For Nepal – local benefit gig for Nepal

Artists For…

 Thursday May 21st at the Elgin with music, film...

Read more

Hits:5390

RED ALERT by Maximilian Wiedemann

RED ALERT b…

West Bank last exhibition at the current buildin...

Read more

PEOPLE & PLACES

Prev Next

Hits:5285

Ostuni Queen's Park by M. Kuehn

Ostuni Que…

Having recently savoured the delights of the ver...

Read more

Hits:5942

Hats-off to Micky P: Portobello Live 3rd/4th May

Hats-off t…

Reflecting on the Portobello Live Festival - by ...

Read more

Hits:6267

Canal Deli food review

Canal Deli…

Canal deli - lovely people - scrumptious food or...

Read more

Hits:6174

Why hipster incursions into the KPH might not be a bad thing.

Why hipste…

I visited the KPH on Ladbroke Grove last evening...

Read more

Hits:6056

Source Mag Christmas treats IV

Source Mag…

Fine Bone China Tableware Upcycled Vintage Ceram...

Read more

Hits:6175

Source Mag Christmas treats III

Source Mag…

One of the kind hats, flowers, decorative hand c...

Read more

Hits:5905

Source Mag Christmas treats II

Source Mag…

Have you ever thought of offering a family docum...

Read more

Hits:5470

Source Mag Christmas treats I

Source Mag…

Coalition Colouring Book by Tom Pride. ...

Read more

Hits:6120

Want to get involved with online radio?

Want to ge…

K2K Radio wants to hear from you! ...

Read more

Hits:6613

Reflection on breaking barricades

Reflection…

From protesting with Anonymous to connecting wit...

Read more

Local Events Calendar

<<  <  September 2020  >  >>
 Mo  Tu  We  Th  Fr  Sa  Su 
 
    

Upcoming Events

Fb

writers pic2

We're looking for writers! Join in! (scroll down the article)

Rants

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7

I don't do …

I don't do rants. But,

...it's a rant! ...

Read more

Last Night …

Last Night I Dreamt...

"I could see the body of Kim Kardashian..." ...

Read more

Portobello …

Portobello drinkers 'harassed' by children

  From our sports correspondent Dave 'the ...

Read more

Everyone’s …

Everyone’s a F*****g DJ

by Kensal Scream  At long last! Another salvo f...

Read more

Lap dogs …

Lap dogs & devil dogs - the final solution

By Kensal Scream Time for another rant by the K...

Read more

Trains and …

Trains and  lycra pants

 By Kensal Scream That Really Grinds my Gears i...

Read more

An e-mail f…

An e-mail from Billy Connolly?

We can not be sure that  it’s his but it co...

Read more

Your Experience

Popular

Error: No articles to display

Login or Sign Up