This little piggy...
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
This little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
And this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.
So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off... Here we are, this is for real: the World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.
Even the corridors of power have been affected by this nuisance : according to the Guardian 'The first case of swine flu has struck Downing Street and it nearly caused a diplomatic crisis. Gordon Brown's senior climate change adviser Michael Jacobs was banned from attending the G8 summit in Italy for fear he would pass the contagious disease to Barack Obama and other world leaders' (no mention of Berlusconi). As if that wasn't enough even three people have been sent home from Glastonbury festival after being diagnosed with swine flu as oposed to none tripping out of their heads....! it's a crisis indeed...
The media attention has not gone unnoticed by other government officials as according to UPI, a Labour MP (Sion Simon, Labour Party member of Parliament for Birmingham Erdington and the country's minister for further education, no less) joked on Twitter that the swine flu outbreak was tied to Susan Boyle's performance on Britain's Got Talent. "I'm not saying Susan Boyle caused swine flu. I'm just saying that nobody had swine flu, she sang on TV, people got swine flu," Simon wrote in his posting. What he really meant (a suggestion) is that Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it. Still...funny how a few people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.
With so much media attention for a little piggy, one wonders how many unpopular policies are being passed and unscreened by the news...
What this all means is that, apparently our much loved West London Bubble may well be burst by some flying piglet (not from space but coming from South of the river of course– remember the album cover?) as "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England" – being married will not avoid it although may offer some consolation. The fact is noone wants a little piglet to cough/sneeze over the party cake throwing all the icing into dusted oblivion and then excusing himself with 'The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough...'
Symptoms are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue (I always knew there was something odd about a bloke I frantically try to avoid in one of our local drinking joints). Ways to deal with it are to close yourself indoors and feel 'miserable, a bit boring, and watching TV all day', says a sufferer on BBC news...it seems that the future is here.
Now the government is throwing the weight of its resources into a web site to alleviate GP services across the land. The site promptly crashed as it was being announced but with a bit of luck you might just get it working when you need it in the middle of the night when your balls are unusually sweaty or when you discover your fancy Saturday night party knickers being shared with some flying (little) swine snot.
So the the number to call is 0800 1513100, but due to high demand you may well just come across some cracking noises... if so try the web address www.pandemicflu.direct.gov.uk
Meantime watch out for the following:
• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call an ambulance, and go to the hospital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.
Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.
While you wait, grab a half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?
Cheers! Be healthy!
Next year: the Sheep flu (two for one)
Watch this space!!
Sent by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
If you have been infected, get in touch through the comments below to let us know how you dealt with it and if it's as boring as reported by the BBC.